My baby girl is gone.

I feel like my entire world has exploded. My heart has been shattered into a million pieces.

Arabella Jane Evans, my baby, my puppy, my little girl, died tonight. Around 12:15am, February 6 2010, in the car on the way to the Tulsa ER vet. Probably somewhere on I-44 between Peoria and Harvard. She took a couple deep breaths and I knew, when I was pulling her limp body out of her car carrier, that she was gone.

The ER vet tried to save her. They tried CPR. They tried a catheter. They tried. I will be forever grateful. There was just nothing they could do. She had no breath sounds, no heart rate by the time I got her in there. She was already gone.

I miss her so much. All her things are here strewn around me, right as we left them. Her bone is on the floor, half-eaten. Her two crates and dog bed sit here, with no dog to sit in them. Everything’s the same, yet nothing will ever be the same. I’ll never again hear her tags clink together on her collar as she bounces, leaps, thumps toward me in the cute way only she could do. I’ll never again be awakened by my little alarm clock, ready to eat and be let outside at exactly 7:30am. I’ll never get to see her tolerate my children yanking her tail and picking her up. I used to imagine how she would react with a screaming baby in the house… I already know how she acts around 2+ year olds (phenomenally.) She won’t be begging for food at the table, dancing on her hind legs. She won’t be chewing my headphones. She won’t be nosing her way into my lap when I’m trying to type on my laptop. I won’t get to celebrate her first birthday on Sunday with my cousins, like we had been planning.

I regret every single moment where I thought life would be easier without her. If only I hadn’t thought that, if only I hadn’t told Kelsi I didn’t believe in heaven or hell, if only I had taken her in ten minutes earlier, if only I had tried to see if there was a closer ER vet. If only if only if only.

I love you, my sweet princess. I love you so much.

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Katie, February 6th 2010 | Posted in pets

Scene change

Change of plans.

I’ve been here in Tulsa for a week now, a spontaneous decision to up and leave Kansas just like that. (Seriously. The idea popped up on Thursday, and I was gone by Wednesday.) I could not deal with my friends, my family, school, LAWRENCE any longer, and I knew if I stayed, I would be miserable. I’m always preaching to “quit complaining and change it if you don’t like it!” so I took my own advice.

As a general rule, Tulsa isn’t the safest place in the world. Half of the city is dangerous (North and West), with little gang neighborhoods near the river now too. My cousins are on the edge of the ghetto… they’re trying to move due to that and the fact that they have eight people in a three-bedroom house. I don’t want to be worrying about my safety when I try to sleep every night, so I moved to a tiny little SAFE suburb, southwest of the city. I’m only about 15-20 minutes from my cousins’ house, the brand new police/fire station is literally across the street from my neighborhood, Arby’s/McD’s/Sonic are all in one line down the road, Walmart/Target/Best Buy/PetSmart/more are 5-10 minutes away, the public library is less than half a mile away, and the public pool (which are VERY rare in Tulsa) is less than a mile from here.

When I was driving down here on the nice two-lane BORING highway, I was worried I’d be super homesick. When I had my Overland Park (KC) apartment, I spent most of my time back at home in Lawrence because I liked having my mom around. I was afraid of being so far from her and afraid of being so far from my friends. But as it turns out, I basically only have one friend in Lawrence (love you Len), and I haven’t been homesick AT ALL. AT ALL! I LOVE being here. I don’t necessarily adore Tulsa, but I LOVE being away from Lawrence/KC. I’m so incredibly happy with my decision… it was definitely the right one.

<3

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Katie, February 3rd 2010 | Posted in rambling

On the horizon

I finally sought professional help for  what’s been going through my mind lately. Turns out, I’m suffering from severe major depression (without psychosis), the severe part since last summer and the major depression part since middle school. I have continuous appointments with both the PhD psychologist and the nurse practitioner, the latter of which put me on Zoloft today.

I’m SO RELIEVED. Obviously, I had no idea the depression was this bad; otherwise, I would have gotten help long, long ago. Apparently, it’s kind of amazing I’ve survived without serious acts of rebellion or an eating disorder or something. I haven’t had a stable life, what with moving and switching schools and parents being AWOL and all. I focused on music, skating, volunteering, working, etc to keep from going crazy. And it worked- but I still had these cycles of unhappiness to depression and back and forth. I used to be able to pull myself out of the depression part alone, now though I guess my neurotransmitters are whacked out (hence the Zoloft.)

Life is looking up. I hope to pull my grades back up this semester; it’ll take a lot of work to actually fix my GPA, but that’s not my huge concern. I just want to get the grades I know I’m capable of getting and prove something to myself. I also opened a second savings account at the bank last month to begin my moving fund. The current plan is to leave in August for coastal North Carolina, where I’ll probably get a job and finish another semester or two at community college to build my GPA back up. After that… well, I’ll have to transfer to a 4-year university, and I haven’t really decided where; there aren’t any within a 2 hour radius of where I hope to live. I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it. Till then, here’s to keep on keeping on… hopefully happily.

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Katie, January 14th 2010 | Posted in photos, rambling

The end of 2009.

Favorite Movie: The Ugly Truth. Or All About Steve.
The Ugly Truth just speaks… the truth. A definite win for those of us who need something to show our airhead friends to get through to them. Or through to ourselves. Whatever.
I saw All About Steve three times in theaters. I’m certain that’s the most times I’ve ever seen a single movie in theaters. IT WAS FREAKING HILARIOUS. Especially when Mary falls into the giant hole, and the newscasters replay it ten times on TV!

Favorite Song: I have too many songs I love to pick just one.
I will say, though, that I started buying CDs again this year. Only the ones I HAVE to have, since I already buy the iTunes version. There’s just something about holding the real CD, with the real case and the real artwork that iTunes just can’t duplicate.

Favorite Lyric: “I’ve never seen a smile that can light the room like yours, it’s simply radiant, I feel more with every day that goes by”
I played this song SO. MANY. TIMES. Everything about it reminds me of MFH. And that line is always the part I fastforward to.

Favorite Line: “Good story!” (said sarcastically)
My friends now yell it after something they tell that isn’t that interesting before I can. It’s almost become like a contest… who can put down the sucky story first.

Favorite Trip: Family reunion in Old Orchard Beach, Maine.
My uncle was feeding baby Brian his bottle while Sarah and I played in the hallway next to them. My aunt asked Sarah if she could please play outside, because we were disrupting Brian from focusing on his bottle (bahahaha.) Sarah, then barely 4, looked my aunt straight in the face like she was crazy and simply said, “No.”

Favorite Moment: Twirling around on the ice blasting music with no one there except me… and Hillary.
Literally, twirling. Not spinning. Twirling. There’s a difference.

Favorite Holiday: I don’t really do holidays. But my birthday was definitely the best one I’ve had yet, thanks to my cousins who came up from Tulsa to spend it with me. I guess Halloween wasn’t bad down in Tulsa either. I was Superwoman!

Something Bad: I made a lot of stupid choices out of laziness and carelessness.
Something Good: By figuring out what’s wrong for me, I’ve figured out what’s right for me.
Something you regret: Not much. Maybe pushing certain people away.
Something you learned: Always listen to your instincts. They almost never fail you. As long as you have proven good ones. Like me.
Someone that changed your life: Soooo many. Everyone I come in contact with has some sort of impact on my life.

Go back and change something: Don’t cross the friends line.

Subtractions from your life: Friends. Boyfriends. Trixie and Sophie. Raging anger.
Additions to your life: More skating. Tons of laughter. Confidence. Arabella Jane. Overflowing love for my family.

I wrote 2009 resolutions at the beginning of the year:
Continue writing.
—> I went through most of the year documenting pretty much everything, until recently. The motivation to blog and journal has left the building.

Do my best in school.
—-> The first eight weeks or so of each semester are great; I pull in straight A’s, life is good. Then, after spring break and fall break, I’m drained and end up skipping more classes than I attend.

Those were the only two New Years Resolutions I had. Obviously I sucked at sticking with them, like most people are, but it doesn’t matter. This year wasn’t horrible… and going back and reading my 2008 journal, it was MUCH better than being 17. I don’t regret anything I did this past year. I had a bunch more ‘firsts’, I had the wind knocked out of me, I went in a million different directions. But out of every choice, every decision, every triumph, every failure, I have learned.

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Katie, December 14th 2009 | Posted in rambling

Protected: The one I’ve always wanted. The one that makes me believe.

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Katie, November 10th 2009 | Posted in friends, letters, rambling
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