My little parasite.

My body has been taken over by an alien.

I want to say that I’m grateful I can be pregnant. I know so many people try and try and never can… like my aunt and uncle, who, at the ripe old age of 50, became first-time parents through a surrogate after trying for 30 years. Even though my daughter will be coming into the world a little earlier in my own life than I would have chosen, I still already love her and am happy I’ll be a first-time mother at 20, not 50.

But. Pregnancy and I do not agree. She literally sucks everything from me and turns my body into a complete disaster. No one ever tells you exactly what you go through to grow a baby, and you never know until you A) are pregnant, B) have a pregnant wife or C) research it. Doctors say pregnancy is the roughest thing a woman will go through; women still die in childbirth! which, as you can imagine, makes me SO relieved since I’m already high-risk. This is NOT a whole glowing, happy time, even if you are in a stable place! I can’t control my emotions, I have such embarrassing symptoms, I’m BIG, and my child really enjoys rolling around and kicking me in the bladder at the most inconvenient times. Not to mention, sleep. You know how people say, “get your sleep now, while you can!” That’s bullshit. I barely get six hours a night now, because I have to pee every 2-3 hours, and then I can’t fall back asleep past 5am. I’ve played a lot of Solitaire while waiting for the time when I should be getting out of bed.

My life has already changed to where it’s not about me anymore. I can’t do fun things I did before I got pregnant, like skate and tan by the lake in 100 degree weather. Relationships are harder to maintain, and that’s just going to get even worse after she comes, since I’ll have no time. My money goes all to her and things she needs.

I want her to stay inside me till she’s healthy and has a legit, good chance at life, but OMGIHATEBEINGPREGNANT. ONLY sixteen more weeks to go?! I can’t believe my aunt has six kids, or that women purposely get pregnant right after the birth of their baby. At this rate, I’m content with this one. (and I wasn’t even sold on having kids in the first place… although I am finally excited about my daughter.)

By the way… I’m having the hardest time coming up with a name. I’ve scoured three iPhone apps and dozens of name websites!! It took me a good two months to just find my DOG’S name. At this rate, I’ll be having Baby Girl Evans. Sigh.

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Katie, August 22nd 2010 | Posted in pregnancy, rants

I really have no words.

You must read this.

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Katie, July 19th 2010 | Posted in awareness/causes/news, little ones, rants

RAWRRRRR.

I hate working in childcare.

The two girls I watch now… I do NOT get paid enough to do this. They’re eleven and twelve, so you’d think I wouldn’t have much to do. HA!! I have more behavioral problems to correct, more yelling to do, more high freaking blood pressure than when I take care of the four and ten year olds. First? I have to repeat myself three hundred times just to get them to listen. THEY ARE ELEVEN AND TWELVE YEAR OLD GIRLS. WTF? And that’s when they take their meds! Second? I have never seen any siblings fight like they do. It is absolutely ridiculous. I think, perhaps because they’re so close in age, neither of them knows when to stop. I don’t really give a damn what the reason is… they need to learn to shut the hell up, because nothing that comes out of either of their mouths can be classified as civil. Third? Apparently, no one has taught them how to behave in public. You know, arguing and running around in their own home is irritating enough, but through STORES? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? And they legitimately don’t understand why I won’t take them anywhere, even after I attempt to explain. Fourth? They very rarely listen to anything I say. I’m not the real docile, walk-all-over type of nanny. Both of them know it, neither of them care. Fifth? THEIR MOTHER. I like her as a person, I really do, but she is one of those parents who uses empty threats. She never follows through! DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD THAT MAKES MY LIFE?! Not to mention the lives of their poor teachers, friends’ parents, extended relatives, etc! They know that with me, they get one warning, and after that, whatever privilege I threatened them with is gone. End of story. Not so with their mom, and I don’t know if it’s because she honestly forgets (which is still a really bad excuse), or if it’s because she feels guilty for being the only parent and not having a father for them (which is an even worse excuse.) Sixth? Seriously, I do not get paid enough for this job. Little kids’ parents typically pay more for nannies, but in this case, I should be getting a higher salary for having to practically parent her children, because she won’t. Mari asked me a few days ago, that if I’m going into Psychology, why I’m not better at controlling them. (Took a hell of a lot of restraint not to punch her.) I told her I don’t get paid nearly enough to ‘train’ them, not to mention that THAT’S NOT WHAT PSYCHOLOGISTS DO. ARLJFADLFJLSAJF!!!!!!

Then the four and ten year olds… honestly, they are typical boys, but they are relatively respectful, know how/when to behave, and heed their warnings 100% of the time. Unfortunately, it’s their parents I can’t stand. Having had three of the same babysitters for the past eight years I believe has made them forget how hard it is to find good ones, and how important it is to treat them right. I DON’T want to be told you’ll be back at eleven, only to have you show up at one. Not only does that show me extreme disrespect, but I HAVE A LIFE TOO! I have plans, I have a schedule, I have school, I have work. I’d be perfectly fine if this was a one-time thing, but 90% of your nights out partying end this way… with me having the police non-emergency number handy in case you’re dead in a ditch or something. I have enough damn stress in my life, thank you very much, than to have to worry about YOU, adults in your, what, 40s??

My mom knew the value of a good nanny, which she showed by paying very well, getting home on time, giving presents for Christmas/thanks for a great year. Being on the side of job hunting, finding these kinds of parents is like finding a needle in a haystack… next to impossible. I don’t have to be paid a fortune, but you’re leaving me with your CHILDREN. They are always alive and happy when you get home, so show me a little damn respect and gratitude.

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Katie, June 13th 2010 | Posted in little ones, rants

daaaaaaay.

When I woke up this morning, I had already determined it would be a shitty day. I was supposed to wake up at 6, take my car into Toyota by 7:30 thanks to my tire pressure light coming on (which is WTF-worthy since I just got new tires three months ago), drive 45 minutes to class from 11-12:15, nanny two out-of-control sixth- and seventh-graders from 12:30-6:30, and babysit from 8-12 back home. An exhausting, long day, right?

Okay, yeah, it’s 10:30pm and now I’m feeling it. I almost went back to sleep after my car was finished and skipped class, but I DIDN’T! I went, and not only that, I went 40 minutes early and treated myself to coffee (plus the Panera bagel I ate before I left town.) My professor is really interesting, and he brings up a lot of points that many other Psych professors don’t (like the fact that Psychology is the only science field that needs to hike up their actual scientific research, not just make shit up.) We went through research methods, which generally makes me fall asleep since I don’t know HOW many classes I’ve taken throughout my school career that go over that. He had a bunch of hilarious anecdotes to go along with the lecture, and my eyelids definitely didn’t even come close to shutting.

So I get out of class and am dreading nannying. These girls are a handful, and that would be an understatement. I was their fall semester nanny; I eventually had to actually write out rules, privileges, and consequences for them- they were that out of hand. (At ages ten and eleven!) Then when I left in the spring, they got a different nanny, who apparently didn’t do anything. They’re back to their old ways of being absolutely uncontrollable and ridiculously embarrassing in public, most of the time. Unfortunately, I’m only watching them a total of three weeks this summer, and not consecutively, so it’ll be hard to “retrain” them. ANYWAY- back to today. Blah blah blah, I get to their house and I’m starving, so I run back across the street to Einstein Bros. Pretty much as soon as I walk back in the door, my phone rings, and it’s Emma, whom I’m also supposed to be nannying this week. She needs to go to Target, and luckily for me, Mari and her friend Mia wanted to buy Cheetos… so I drag the two of them, plus Allie, out to pick up Emma. She gets in the car all WTF? cause apparently I forgot to tell her I’m also watching them. We go to Target, don’t get kicked out (success), then go to Panera. Now, these kids are all POLAR OPPOSITES from each other. Like, you could not have four different kids in the same car. And at Panera? They all talked and giggled like they had been friends forever! I had to take Emma home after that to get her to a birthday party, but then I dragged the other three to their little town pool. We hung out there for a good three hours in the beautiful, hot weather; the girls ran into a million friends and left me to my book. YEA!

An hour drive home, and I had enough time to stop by my house and get some food/talk to my mother. She was in a good mood (win), she made me grilled cheese (double win), and I found out both me and baby can stay on her insurance for awhile (triple win.) Ran off to babysit Jack and Charlie after that… which is where I am sitting now, on their couch. Charlie and I played with trains for for-ev-er, he beat me in matching, we made words in the bath, ate Bomb Pops, and shot each other (and his brother) with Nerf guns. I am SO their favorite babysitter.

Isn’t it ironic how your most dreaded day can turn out to be great, even when you’ve barely had any sleep?

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Katie, June 9th 2010 | Posted in little ones, rambling, school

Look at me, look at you, look at all that we’ve been through

How is it that almost a month passed since I last wrote?

I was lying in bed last night, reminiscing about the day I began this blog. Over two years ago, I felt like I had something to say to the world. I needed an outlet, and not just one only I could see. Looking back over my old posts (that are now unavailable to the rest of you), I feel like Tori. I’ve grown more than I ever thought I could; it never crossed my mind that maybe I was still too young to really grasp a lot of things. Back in 2008, I ran around getting into trouble and had fun doing it. I didn’t have to worry about money. I didn’t have to worry about my parents kicking me out. I wasn’t in school for awhile. I did a whole lot of nothing and wasted a whole lot of time. And I’d be totally lying if I said I regret it, because I don’t- I HAD FUN. I miss it every day.

The next year kind of sucked. No, sorry, it sucked bad. I was used to running my life on my own time, without a schedule, when all the sudden I was flung back into the real world with college. My friends got busy with school again, and I was on my own. There were higher expectations set for me, ones that I didn’t want to reach. That all sounds so bad, but it happens with a crazy number of college students. We’re pushed and shoved into classes right away, when a lot of us aren’t ready. Some people shouldn’t even be in college in the first place, but society now tells us it’s the thing to do… so we go. And waste money. And party. And do nothing. And fail.

While 2008 had its defining moments most definitely, 2009 was much more mentally/emotionally grueling for me. I think I fought growing up at first- I wanted all the freedom and none of the responsibility (who doesn’t?) Of course, life doesn’t work that way. I had many struggles along 2009, more than I can even remember in one sitting. I’m still kind of amazed I made it out alive.

Now, it’s halfway through 2010. My life will change drastically at the end of this year. I’ve been halfway grown up so far, I think, but by 2011, I can’t ever go back (not that I really could anyway… you can’t ever really go back.) At this point, I don’t know what’s going to happen to my blog. I can’t see the future. It may be forgotten about, even more so than it already is. It’s always been important to me that I have some sort of way to see what I thought in the past, whether it be through journals or private blogs or this public one. But I can tell you now, I’m not going to have an ounce of free time for a long while. I may eventually be left with half a decade of no clear thoughts.

Time is a funny thing. We try to hurry it along, to pass it, but why? As kids, most of us dream about being grown up and being able to do as we please. But then we get here, get thrown in the face with a million responsibilities, and we want to go back. We can’t ever figure out how to live in the moment. Maybe that should be the goal.

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Katie, June 2nd 2010 | Posted in rambling
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