It Is What It Is

Life is so strange, so curious, so hard.

I’m conflicted, confused, and I don’t even really know what about.

Here in Tulsa, I’m legitimately happy; I can’t deny that. As a whole person, I am pretty thrilled with being alive, for the first time since I was a kid.

Yet, I have these down moments where I miss Kansas. I figure that’s pretty normal, since it’s home at all, but I can’t wrap my head around WHY I would miss it. I LOATHED being there. I hated listening to my friends rattle on about stupid college-kid things. And like I said before, most of the time, I’m so glad I left. But these flashes… they’re really throwing me off.

Maybe they’re increasing due to my recent feelings of anxiousness and stress. I’m in a very scary financial bind right now, which I shouldn’t complain too much about given that I have a roof over my head, gas in my car, and a little money in savings. There are worse-off people than me. But I’ve never been in this situation, where I’m 98% sure I won’t make it to the end of this month without transferring money out of my savings account. Most of this month’s money went to paying two places full rent, a third place half rent, vet bills, Izzie’s upcoming boarding while we’re on Spring Break… and honestly, that’s about it. But those are HUGE expenses, all at once, that I was only slightly prepared for. And I moved (hence one of the rent checks)… and I don’t have a bed. So that kind of sucks.

I really want to slap myself for complaining this much. I’m such a privileged American, so what if I have one tough month? Other people have entire tough LIVES. Like I said before, I have a nice safe house, a room, my own bathroom, a reliable car, a healthy dog, MY health, close relatives, a good life. I guess I’m just not accustomed to the “real world”, and being flung into it is rough. I don’t even pay for things like my cell phone bill, car maintenance, some of the vet bills… my parents still give me a lot of money, which I am ever grateful for. That’s why I won’t go to them begging for more money to buy a bed. They already provide me with so much. Sleeping on the floor for a few months isn’t going to kill me.

I got off-track. I guess I’m not so much confused as I am having trouble separating my thoughts. Everything is jumbled in one big pile in my head, and I’ve never been good at taking time to just sit and think. Something to work on, I suppose.

<3

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Katie, March 7th 2010 | Posted in rambling

Come on, so-called intelligent people, think of something else.

Like many other school districts in the nation, my hometown’s is currently facing a budget crisis. We are $5.5 MILLION short. FIVE MILLION!! The main reason is due to the way the state of Kansas doles out district money: the amount is determined by something relating to how big the county is, NOT how many students are in the county. Anyone see a problem with this? About 50% of the state’s population live in the Northeast corner. So, say there’s a county in Western Kansas that is the same size (square feet?) as one in Northeast Kansas. The Western one could have 100 students, whereas a Northeast one could have 20,000… and they would get the same amount of education money. This is THE biggest issue with Kansas education as of now.

Good old Lawrence has a $5.5 million shortfall. Our district has 1 early education center (PK), 15 elementary schools (K-6), 4 junior high schools (7-9), 2 high schools (10-12), a virtual school (K-8), and an adult education center. A few years back, they closed a few elementary schools and our alternative high school (both horrendous ideas for multiple reasons.) There are currently around 10,000 students. Our city is a community; this is not a place where you can live anonymously.

The school board seems to have only one solution. They SAY they’re trying to find alternatives, but actions speak louder than words. What do they want to do? Close more elementary schools. Close MORE. The last elementary school I attended was the newest, still is the newest, and when I graduated, we had less than 200 kids. They have over 500 now!! We need another school out here, NOT close some and have more kids shoved into this school! And it’s like that all across town- all the schools are at capacity. Some are much smaller than others, but they are at capacity. Closing elementary schools is going to increase class sizes to over 30 kids. I don’t know who came up with this genius idea, but that automatically means lower test scores, less attention, more teacher anxiety. (Oh, not to mention our teachers are the lowest paid in the ENTIRE STATE.) (The school board also has been talking about moving the 9th graders to high school. Whole other story. The high schools are maxed out too… THERE IS NO ROOM FOR 9TH GRADERS.)

Mmm… and should I mention we spent god knows how many millions on two new stadiums for the high schools last year? THAT WE DIDN’T NEED? And how the administration building is the nicest building in the entire district? And how there’s plenty of room for the administration to share an old elementary school building with the virtual school? And how we pay our admin more than our teachers? And how we HAVE more admin than we need?

I honestly don’t know how the fuck this school board was elected. I have yet to meet anyone in this entire city who thinks closing schools is a good idea. I don’t know if there’s a hidden agenda, I don’t know if the city officials are in on this, but education is supposed to come FIRST. Yet, why is it the first cut? (And not just in Kansas, everywhere!) Politicians say we need to improve education, help our children, but no one is doing anything besides take money away.

We live in a very sad, pathetic country.

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Katie, March 3rd 2010 | Posted in awareness/causes/news, rants

Protected: Stupid. No more apartments 2010/ever!

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Katie, February 23rd 2010 | Posted in rants

Get back up again

I’m okay.

Everything was horrible, awful, last week, especially with the demise of my MFH dreams (and the death of my dog, of course.) It’s a damn good thing I’m on that Zoloft, I tell you what. I would have taken muchhhh longer to comprehend and get over it all if I hadn’t been.

I’m employed now as a waitress by the restaurant at which my relatives work, a cashier at Walmart, and a computer sales rep at Best Buy. You know what’s bullshit? Drug tests. I mean, okay, I see the point, but I’ve never done drugs EVER, so WTF, I don’t want to be treated like everyone else!!!!! I think they’re a pre-employment Oklahoma state law though. Anyway, for the Walmart one, the lab was in an urgent care facility, HELL in February. I waited two hours. TWO HOURS. TO PEE IN A FUCKING CUP. Then, the Best Buy one this morning, I didn’t pee enough the first time. (In my defense, the nurse wanted a damn GALLON, or close to that.) So I had to wait an hour to try again. Which made me have to reschedule my Walmart orientation. It’s tough holding down three jobs, I tell ya.

I finished my Precalc class, well, almost. I’ve completed all the work, the midterm (obviously), and now all that’s left for me to do is the final exam. I’d have to jump through hoops to take it down here, so I’m just waiting to schedule it when I’m at home next. I have until April 1st, so that shouldn’t be a problem.

This little brat lying in my lap right now is Isabella Nicole, Izzie for short. Born December 15, 2009, Izzie is a Westie (West Highland White Terrier), and a TERROR. That’s right. They don’t call ‘em terriers for nothing. Where Arabella was relatively chill, Izzie is HYPERHYPERHYPERPLAYPLAYPLAY. It’s exhausting, and she pees on my floor. Someone pleaaaaase remind me to adopt an adult dog next time, alright? I’m 99.9% sure I also said that when I first got Bella.

All that’s left is for the weather to get warmer so I can stop shivering when I get into my car. And for the construction on 75 and I-44 to be finished. A Braum’s out here in the ‘burbs would be nice, too. (My new obsession. Braum’s has the MOST AMAZING milkshakes, EVER. I’ve had at least one every day for the past week.) (Shut up, it’s calcium!)

<3 xox

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Katie, February 16th 2010 | Posted in pets, rambling

My baby girl is gone.

I feel like my entire world has exploded. My heart has been shattered into a million pieces.

Arabella Jane Evans, my baby, my puppy, my little girl, died tonight. Around 12:15am, February 6 2010, in the car on the way to the Tulsa ER vet. Probably somewhere on I-44 between Peoria and Harvard. She took a couple deep breaths and I knew, when I was pulling her limp body out of her car carrier, that she was gone.

The ER vet tried to save her. They tried CPR. They tried a catheter. They tried. I will be forever grateful. There was just nothing they could do. She had no breath sounds, no heart rate by the time I got her in there. She was already gone.

I miss her so much. All her things are here strewn around me, right as we left them. Her bone is on the floor, half-eaten. Her two crates and dog bed sit here, with no dog to sit in them. Everything’s the same, yet nothing will ever be the same. I’ll never again hear her tags clink together on her collar as she bounces, leaps, thumps toward me in the cute way only she could do. I’ll never again be awakened by my little alarm clock, ready to eat and be let outside at exactly 7:30am. I’ll never get to see her tolerate my children yanking her tail and picking her up. I used to imagine how she would react with a screaming baby in the house… I already know how she acts around 2+ year olds (phenomenally.) She won’t be begging for food at the table, dancing on her hind legs. She won’t be chewing my headphones. She won’t be nosing her way into my lap when I’m trying to type on my laptop. I won’t get to celebrate her first birthday on Sunday with my cousins, like we had been planning.

I regret every single moment where I thought life would be easier without her. If only I hadn’t thought that, if only I hadn’t told Kelsi I didn’t believe in heaven or hell, if only I had taken her in ten minutes earlier, if only I had tried to see if there was a closer ER vet. If only if only if only.

I love you, my sweet princess. I love you so much.

1 Comment

Katie, February 6th 2010 | Posted in pets
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