Arabella Jane Evans, my baby, my puppy, my little girl, died tonight. Around 12:15am, February 6 2010, in the car on the way to the Tulsa ER vet. Probably somewhere on I-44 between Peoria and Harvard. She took a couple deep breaths and I knew, when I was pulling her limp body out of her car carrier, that she was gone.

The ER vet tried to save her. They tried CPR. They tried a catheter. They tried. I will be forever grateful. There was just nothing they could do. She had no breath sounds, no heart rate by the time I got her in there. She was already gone.

I miss her so much. All her things are here strewn around me, right as we left them. Her bone is on the floor, half-eaten. Her two crates and dog bed sit here, with no dog to sit in them. Everything’s the same, yet nothing will ever be the same. I’ll never again hear her tags clink together on her collar as she bounces, leaps, thumps toward me in the cute way only she could do. I’ll never again be awakened by my little alarm clock, ready to eat and be let outside at exactly 7:30am. I’ll never get to see her tolerate my children yanking her tail and picking her up. I used to imagine how she would react with a screaming baby in the house… I already know how she acts around 2+ year olds (phenomenally.) She won’t be begging for food at the table, dancing on her hind legs. She won’t be chewing my headphones. She won’t be nosing her way into my lap when I’m trying to type on my laptop. I won’t get to celebrate her first birthday on Sunday with my cousins, like we had been planning.

I regret every single moment where I thought life would be easier without her. If only I hadn’t thought that, if only I hadn’t told Kelsi I didn’t believe in heaven or hell, if only I had taken her in ten minutes earlier, if only I had tried to see if there was a closer ER vet. If only if only if only.

I love you, my sweet princess. I love you so much.

I’ve been here in Tulsa for a week now, a spontaneous decision to up and leave Kansas just like that. (Seriously. The idea popped up on Thursday, and I was gone by Wednesday.) I could not deal with my friends, my family, school, LAWRENCE any longer, and I knew if I stayed, I would be miserable. I’m always preaching to “quit complaining and change it if you don’t like it!” so I took my own advice.

As a general rule, Tulsa isn’t the safest place in the world. Half of the city is dangerous (North and West), with little gang neighborhoods near the river now too. My cousins are on the edge of the ghetto… they’re trying to move due to that and the fact that they have eight people in a three-bedroom house. I don’t want to be worrying about my safety when I try to sleep every night, so I moved to a tiny little SAFE suburb, southwest of the city. I’m only about 15-20 minutes from my cousins’ house, the brand new police/fire station is literally across the street from my neighborhood, Arby’s/McD’s/Sonic are all in one line down the road, Walmart/Target/Best Buy/PetSmart/more are 5-10 minutes away, the public library is less than half a mile away, and the public pool (which are VERY rare in Tulsa) is less than a mile from here.

When I was driving down here on the nice two-lane BORING highway, I was worried I’d be super homesick. When I had my Overland Park (KC) apartment, I spent most of my time back at home in Lawrence because I liked having my mom around. I was afraid of being so far from her and afraid of being so far from my friends. But as it turns out, I basically only have one friend in Lawrence (love you Len), and I haven’t been homesick AT ALL. AT ALL! I LOVE being here. I don’t necessarily adore Tulsa, but I LOVE being away from Lawrence/KC. I’m so incredibly happy with my decision… it was definitely the right one.

<3

I’m SO RELIEVED. Obviously, I had no idea the depression was this bad; otherwise, I would have gotten help long, long ago. Apparently, it’s kind of amazing I’ve survived without serious acts of rebellion or an eating disorder or something. I haven’t had a stable life, what with moving and switching schools and parents being AWOL and all. I focused on music, skating, volunteering, working, etc to keep from going crazy. And it worked- but I still had these cycles of unhappiness to depression and back and forth. I used to be able to pull myself out of the depression part alone, now though I guess my neurotransmitters are whacked out (hence the Zoloft.)

Life is looking up. I hope to pull my grades back up this semester; it’ll take a lot of work to actually fix my GPA, but that’s not my huge concern. I just want to get the grades I know I’m capable of getting and prove something to myself. I also opened a second savings account at the bank last month to begin my moving fund. The current plan is to leave in August for coastal North Carolina, where I’ll probably get a job and finish another semester or two at community college to build my GPA back up. After that… well, I’ll have to transfer to a 4-year university, and I haven’t really decided where; there aren’t any within a 2 hour radius of where I hope to live. I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it. Till then, here’s to keep on keeping on… hopefully happily.

Favorite Song: I have too many songs I love to pick just one.
I will say, though, that I started buying CDs again this year. Only the ones I HAVE to have, since I already buy the iTunes version. There’s just something about holding the real CD, with the real case and the real artwork that iTunes just can’t duplicate.

Favorite Lyric: “I’ve never seen a smile that can light the room like yours, it’s simply radiant, I feel more with every day that goes by”
I played this song SO. MANY. TIMES. Everything about it reminds me of MFH. And that line is always the part I fastforward to.

Favorite Line: “Good story!” (said sarcastically)
My friends now yell it after something they tell that isn’t that interesting before I can. It’s almost become like a contest… who can put down the sucky story first.

Favorite Trip: Family reunion in Old Orchard Beach, Maine.
My uncle was feeding baby Brian his bottle while Sarah and I played in the hallway next to them. My aunt asked Sarah if she could please play outside, because we were disrupting Brian from focusing on his bottle (bahahaha.) Sarah, then barely 4, looked my aunt straight in the face like she was crazy and simply said, “No.”

Favorite Moment: Twirling around on the ice blasting music with no one there except me… and Hillary.
Literally, twirling. Not spinning. Twirling. There’s a difference.

Favorite Holiday: I don’t really do holidays. But my birthday was definitely the best one I’ve had yet, thanks to my cousins who came up from Tulsa to spend it with me. I guess Halloween wasn’t bad down in Tulsa either. I was Superwoman!

Something Bad: I made a lot of stupid choices out of laziness and carelessness.
Something Good: By figuring out what’s wrong for me, I’ve figured out what’s right for me.
Something you regret: Not much. Maybe pushing certain people away.
Something you learned: Always listen to your instincts. They almost never fail you. As long as you have proven good ones. Like me.
Someone that changed your life: Soooo many. Everyone I come in contact with has some sort of impact on my life.

Go back and change something: Don’t cross the friends line.

Subtractions from your life: Friends. Boyfriends. Trixie and Sophie. Raging anger.
Additions to your life: More skating. Tons of laughter. Confidence. Arabella Jane. Overflowing love for my family.

I wrote 2009 resolutions at the beginning of the year:
Continue writing.
—> I went through most of the year documenting pretty much everything, until recently. The motivation to blog and journal has left the building.

Do my best in school.
—-> The first eight weeks or so of each semester are great; I pull in straight A’s, life is good. Then, after spring break and fall break, I’m drained and end up skipping more classes than I attend.

Those were the only two New Years Resolutions I had. Obviously I sucked at sticking with them, like most people are, but it doesn’t matter. This year wasn’t horrible… and going back and reading my 2008 journal, it was MUCH better than being 17. I don’t regret anything I did this past year. I had a bunch more ‘firsts’, I had the wind knocked out of me, I went in a million different directions. But out of every choice, every decision, every triumph, every failure, I have learned.

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I password-protected a post I wrote about two weeks ago. There are no juicy secrets in it, sorry, I just don’t want that information about me available to the general public. Future protected posts will more than likely be coming, and the password will be the same for all. If you want the password, comment on this post or send me an email.

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The House passed the healthcare reform bill tonight. Remember when I wrote this, about my friend who freaks the fuck out at anyone who could be remotely liberal? Yeah, guess who wrote a Facebook status almost immediately, sparking debate (not bad) and namecalling (bad.) WHICH PISSES ME OFF ALL OVER AGAIN. Shit, I don’t care if you hate the bill. Honestly, I’m not quite fond of it myself. But to write “FOR ALL YOU IGNORANT LIBERALS….I’M SURE THIS IS ALL GEORGE BUSH’S FAULT.”? Really? Do you really need the “for all you ignorant liberals” part? As I recall, there were plenty of conservatives blaming Bush 24/7. So shut the fuck up. *P.S. Just for you, one-who-wrote-Facebook-status, I’m not-so-secretly glad that someone poked a hole in your credibility and commended a liberal for taking the high road. HA!*

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To the surprise of no one, I’m pretty sure I’m failing approximately half my classes.

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My mom hit a deer last week, driving my dad’s car. We took it to the dealer, along with my car (scheduled maintenance), to make sure nothing was technically wrong with it and to order new parts. The service technician propped the hood open to check the engine, stuck his hand in there, and pulled out… OUR HOUSE PHONE. From the engine. All my mom said was, “THAT’S where that went!”

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I bought a new LCD HDTV. It is gorgeous and the most grown-up thing I have ever bought myself. I’ll be living off Ramen and water for the next thirty years, but who cares? I HAVE A FUCKING SWEET TV! Also on the home-y note, I’m painting my rooms dark blue and dark green, a definite upgrade from the current dingy, contractor-painted colors.

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Get ready for tomorrow… where I detail everything that I’ve been feeling toward MFH for the past, oh, ever! (Oh, and in case anyone noticed, I didn’t do a first of the month post for November. Because absolutely nothing is happening in November.)

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This freaks me out on so many levels. We’re using the Internet. We’re usually not aware that a person you’re friends with on Facebook, that you know in real life, could have been hacked, and that person is stealing all your information. Your name, your birthdate, and your hometown are sometimes all you need to steal a person’s identity.

I made my Facebook completely unsearchable except to those in my two networks, and removed all my identifying information. (My birth year, where I live now, my full name, etc.) I closed my Plurk account, Blip.fm account, Webshots accounts from forever ago, and most other accounts I had lying around, completely open but forgotten about. I increased the security with Flickr, and I may possibly make all my photos there private (so if you aren’t my friend on Flickr and you want to see my photos in the future, add me.) I made my Twitter private, a move of which I’m not sure I’ll stick with, but one that I’m happy making at the moment due to the fact that I like using it to tell people where I am and what I’m doing.

As for this blog, I’ve tried to make it a little less revealing, but honestly it’s hard to find this on Google by entering my name or anything. I don’t use last names, I rarely use place names, and I’m going to stop writing about when I’m gone and only post my adventures after I get home. Only a certain number of people read my blog regularly, but I really don’t know that for certain given that I don’t track IP addresses or anything. For all I know, some creeper could be closely following my every move.

So there ya have it. Follow me on Twitter, friend me on Flickr, friend me on Facebook, because I’m now concerned about privacy.

The truth is, I’m struggling.

There is a huge part of me that is restless. One that wants to leave and go explore the rest of the country, just up and drive away. A part that isn’t content with going to school day after day, doing the same thing over and over. I can’t figure out if this is an effect of changing something in my life every two years or less (i.e., moving, switching schools, etc…and we’re coming up on two years now) or if it’s something different altogether. And maybe it’s not just the mundane part of life, that doesn’t really explain it- more like, that certain “something mundane” needs to change.

For the past couple of weeks, I’ve been exhausted. I go to bed by ten at the latest, and on the weekends or days I skip class I’ll sleep till noon. Apparently fatigue in young women is usually explained by either stress or depression, and I DON’T KNOW WHICH ONE IT IS. I don’t think I’m depressed, I’m not suicidal or anything, is that a requirement for depression? But I also don’t think I’m all that stressed, either. More like confused and unmotivated.

I don’t want to DO anything. Well, that’s not true either. I don’t mind nannying; in fact, that’s probably the highlight of my day- I get paid to hang out with kids! I just don’t want to go to school. I don’t feel like making plans with anyone, except for occasionally with a select few. I don’t really want to skate. I’m just TIRED. Of everything.

To top that all off, I miss my family in Tulsa. All. The. Freaking. Time.

And that’s what has been going through my head lately. Aren’t you glad you wondered?

P.S. Now that I reread that, maybe I am depressed.

TODAY is my SuperStarSkater, best friend Hillary’s 20th birthday!! She’s no longer a teenager! It seems so insane how we’re getting so old… I mean, people our age are married already. WHAT. I really don’t like growing up.

I’m babysitting like crazy the next few days, for two different families. The kids I usually watch overnight, J & C, have a friend W, who is also my neighbor, and his mom wants me to watch him overnight now too.

This coming Tuesday, October 6th, is my roommate Eliesa’s 19th birthday. I’m exactly a month older than her, how weird is that?

October 15th-18th is fall break. I guess that means we’re halfway through the semester? Not sure on that one, since none of my professors are using the term “midterms”, nor do I have any exams coming up before fall break. I was going to go with my family to New Jersey and DC for that time, then decided to stay home and throw a combined birthday/early Halloween party with Eliesa… but we canceled the party due to lack of funds. So now I guess I’ll be sleeping through break or something.

October 27th is my momma’s 46th birthday. She’s so old. Hahaha… LOVE YOU MOM!

October 30th-November 1st I’ll be in Tulsa. My aunt and uncle are in the process of organizing/touching up their house with the anticipation of putting it on the market, because the ghetto is rapidly creeping up on their neighborhood. The house is too small for their family now anyway, and it won’t be hard to sell it, but getting it ready while dealing with six kids is rough… so Mother Dear and I are heading down there at least once a month to help out. We’re pros at navigating the real estate market by now.

Happy October, and hello fall!!