I want to say that I’m grateful I can be pregnant. I know so many people try and try and never can… like my aunt and uncle, who, at the ripe old age of 50, became first-time parents through a surrogate after trying for 30 years. Even though my daughter will be coming into the world a little earlier in my own life than I would have chosen, I still already love her and am happy I’ll be a first-time mother at 20, not 50.

But. Pregnancy and I do not agree. She literally sucks everything from me and turns my body into a complete disaster. No one ever tells you exactly what you go through to grow a baby, and you never know until you A) are pregnant, B) have a pregnant wife or C) research it. Doctors say pregnancy is the roughest thing a woman will go through; women still die in childbirth! which, as you can imagine, makes me SO relieved since I’m already high-risk. This is NOT a whole glowing, happy time, even if you are in a stable place! I can’t control my emotions, I have such embarrassing symptoms, I’m BIG, and my child really enjoys rolling around and kicking me in the bladder at the most inconvenient times. Not to mention, sleep. You know how people say, “get your sleep now, while you can!” That’s bullshit. I barely get six hours a night now, because I have to pee every 2-3 hours, and then I can’t fall back asleep past 5am. I’ve played a lot of Solitaire while waiting for the time when I should be getting out of bed.

My life has already changed to where it’s not about me anymore. I can’t do fun things I did before I got pregnant, like skate and tan by the lake in 100 degree weather. Relationships are harder to maintain, and that’s just going to get even worse after she comes, since I’ll have no time. My money goes all to her and things she needs.

I want her to stay inside me till she’s healthy and has a legit, good chance at life, but OMGIHATEBEINGPREGNANT. ONLY sixteen more weeks to go?! I can’t believe my aunt has six kids, or that women purposely get pregnant right after the birth of their baby. At this rate, I’m content with this one. (and I wasn’t even sold on having kids in the first place… although I am finally excited about my daughter.)

By the way… I’m having the hardest time coming up with a name. I’ve scoured three iPhone apps and dozens of name websites!! It took me a good two months to just find my DOG’S name. At this rate, I’ll be having Baby Girl Evans. Sigh.

The two girls I watch now… I do NOT get paid enough to do this. They’re eleven and twelve, so you’d think I wouldn’t have much to do. HA!! I have more behavioral problems to correct, more yelling to do, more high freaking blood pressure than when I take care of the four and ten year olds. First? I have to repeat myself three hundred times just to get them to listen. THEY ARE ELEVEN AND TWELVE YEAR OLD GIRLS. WTF? And that’s when they take their meds! Second? I have never seen any siblings fight like they do. It is absolutely ridiculous. I think, perhaps because they’re so close in age, neither of them knows when to stop. I don’t really give a damn what the reason is… they need to learn to shut the hell up, because nothing that comes out of either of their mouths can be classified as civil. Third? Apparently, no one has taught them how to behave in public. You know, arguing and running around in their own home is irritating enough, but through STORES? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? And they legitimately don’t understand why I won’t take them anywhere, even after I attempt to explain. Fourth? They very rarely listen to anything I say. I’m not the real docile, walk-all-over type of nanny. Both of them know it, neither of them care. Fifth? THEIR MOTHER. I like her as a person, I really do, but she is one of those parents who uses empty threats. She never follows through! DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD THAT MAKES MY LIFE?! Not to mention the lives of their poor teachers, friends’ parents, extended relatives, etc! They know that with me, they get one warning, and after that, whatever privilege I threatened them with is gone. End of story. Not so with their mom, and I don’t know if it’s because she honestly forgets (which is still a really bad excuse), or if it’s because she feels guilty for being the only parent and not having a father for them (which is an even worse excuse.) Sixth? Seriously, I do not get paid enough for this job. Little kids’ parents typically pay more for nannies, but in this case, I should be getting a higher salary for having to practically parent her children, because she won’t. Mari asked me a few days ago, that if I’m going into Psychology, why I’m not better at controlling them. (Took a hell of a lot of restraint not to punch her.) I told her I don’t get paid nearly enough to ‘train’ them, not to mention that THAT’S NOT WHAT PSYCHOLOGISTS DO. ARLJFADLFJLSAJF!!!!!!

Then the four and ten year olds… honestly, they are typical boys, but they are relatively respectful, know how/when to behave, and heed their warnings 100% of the time. Unfortunately, it’s their parents I can’t stand. Having had three of the same babysitters for the past eight years I believe has made them forget how hard it is to find good ones, and how important it is to treat them right. I DON’T want to be told you’ll be back at eleven, only to have you show up at one. Not only does that show me extreme disrespect, but I HAVE A LIFE TOO! I have plans, I have a schedule, I have school, I have work. I’d be perfectly fine if this was a one-time thing, but 90% of your nights out partying end this way… with me having the police non-emergency number handy in case you’re dead in a ditch or something. I have enough damn stress in my life, thank you very much, than to have to worry about YOU, adults in your, what, 40s??

My mom knew the value of a good nanny, which she showed by paying very well, getting home on time, giving presents for Christmas/thanks for a great year. Being on the side of job hunting, finding these kinds of parents is like finding a needle in a haystack… next to impossible. I don’t have to be paid a fortune, but you’re leaving me with your CHILDREN. They are always alive and happy when you get home, so show me a little damn respect and gratitude.

Okay, yeah, it’s 10:30pm and now I’m feeling it. I almost went back to sleep after my car was finished and skipped class, but I DIDN’T! I went, and not only that, I went 40 minutes early and treated myself to coffee (plus the Panera bagel I ate before I left town.) My professor is really interesting, and he brings up a lot of points that many other Psych professors don’t (like the fact that Psychology is the only science field that needs to hike up their actual scientific research, not just make shit up.) We went through research methods, which generally makes me fall asleep since I don’t know HOW many classes I’ve taken throughout my school career that go over that. He had a bunch of hilarious anecdotes to go along with the lecture, and my eyelids definitely didn’t even come close to shutting.

So I get out of class and am dreading nannying. These girls are a handful, and that would be an understatement. I was their fall semester nanny; I eventually had to actually write out rules, privileges, and consequences for them- they were that out of hand. (At ages ten and eleven!) Then when I left in the spring, they got a different nanny, who apparently didn’t do anything. They’re back to their old ways of being absolutely uncontrollable and ridiculously embarrassing in public, most of the time. Unfortunately, I’m only watching them a total of three weeks this summer, and not consecutively, so it’ll be hard to “retrain” them. ANYWAY- back to today. Blah blah blah, I get to their house and I’m starving, so I run back across the street to Einstein Bros. Pretty much as soon as I walk back in the door, my phone rings, and it’s Emma, whom I’m also supposed to be nannying this week. She needs to go to Target, and luckily for me, Mari and her friend Mia wanted to buy Cheetos… so I drag the two of them, plus Allie, out to pick up Emma. She gets in the car all WTF? cause apparently I forgot to tell her I’m also watching them. We go to Target, don’t get kicked out (success), then go to Panera. Now, these kids are all POLAR OPPOSITES from each other. Like, you could not have four different kids in the same car. And at Panera? They all talked and giggled like they had been friends forever! I had to take Emma home after that to get her to a birthday party, but then I dragged the other three to their little town pool. We hung out there for a good three hours in the beautiful, hot weather; the girls ran into a million friends and left me to my book. YEA!

An hour drive home, and I had enough time to stop by my house and get some food/talk to my mother. She was in a good mood (win), she made me grilled cheese (double win), and I found out both me and baby can stay on her insurance for awhile (triple win.) Ran off to babysit Jack and Charlie after that… which is where I am sitting now, on their couch. Charlie and I played with trains for for-ev-er, he beat me in matching, we made words in the bath, ate Bomb Pops, and shot each other (and his brother) with Nerf guns. I am SO their favorite babysitter.

Isn’t it ironic how your most dreaded day can turn out to be great, even when you’ve barely had any sleep?

I was lying in bed last night, reminiscing about the day I began this blog. Over two years ago, I felt like I had something to say to the world. I needed an outlet, and not just one only I could see. Looking back over my old posts (that are now unavailable to the rest of you), I feel like Tori. I’ve grown more than I ever thought I could; it never crossed my mind that maybe I was still too young to really grasp a lot of things. Back in 2008, I ran around getting into trouble and had fun doing it. I didn’t have to worry about money. I didn’t have to worry about my parents kicking me out. I wasn’t in school for awhile. I did a whole lot of nothing and wasted a whole lot of time. And I’d be totally lying if I said I regret it, because I don’t- I HAD FUN. I miss it every day.

The next year kind of sucked. No, sorry, it sucked bad. I was used to running my life on my own time, without a schedule, when all the sudden I was flung back into the real world with college. My friends got busy with school again, and I was on my own. There were higher expectations set for me, ones that I didn’t want to reach. That all sounds so bad, but it happens with a crazy number of college students. We’re pushed and shoved into classes right away, when a lot of us aren’t ready. Some people shouldn’t even be in college in the first place, but society now tells us it’s the thing to do… so we go. And waste money. And party. And do nothing. And fail.

While 2008 had its defining moments most definitely, 2009 was much more mentally/emotionally grueling for me. I think I fought growing up at first- I wanted all the freedom and none of the responsibility (who doesn’t?) Of course, life doesn’t work that way. I had many struggles along 2009, more than I can even remember in one sitting. I’m still kind of amazed I made it out alive.

Now, it’s halfway through 2010. My life will change drastically at the end of this year. I’ve been halfway grown up so far, I think, but by 2011, I can’t ever go back (not that I really could anyway… you can’t ever really go back.) At this point, I don’t know what’s going to happen to my blog. I can’t see the future. It may be forgotten about, even more so than it already is. It’s always been important to me that I have some sort of way to see what I thought in the past, whether it be through journals or private blogs or this public one. But I can tell you now, I’m not going to have an ounce of free time for a long while. I may eventually be left with half a decade of no clear thoughts.

Time is a funny thing. We try to hurry it along, to pass it, but why? As kids, most of us dream about being grown up and being able to do as we please. But then we get here, get thrown in the face with a million responsibilities, and we want to go back. We can’t ever figure out how to live in the moment. Maybe that should be the goal.

On May 4th, 2003, the sky shot from gray and blah to green and eerie in a matter of minutes (that kind of change you only see in the Midwest.) My mom was at work; Will, Dad, and I had just been lying around the house, being lazy. We knew we were under a tornado watch, as we had been for the past few days. Once we noticed the sudden change in the sky, we headed down to our walkout basement (the storm shelter was in the back, away from the backyard/walkout part.) My dad flipped on the TV, as that’s always been his main method of news-gathering… at least, ever since TVs became popular and we stopped relying on the weather radio with the creepy jazz music. (Sometime after our entire basement flooded up to the first floor in 1998, WHILE WE WERE UNDER A TORNADO WARNING. Yeah, we had to choose between drowning and being sucked up by a tornado.) So, my dad, being my dad, has the TV on SO FUCKING LOUD that Will and I can barely hear ourselves talk. We’re still in the walkout part of the basement at this point, right next to the floor-to-ceiling windows, because it’s just a watch, not a warning. I’m still staring at the sky thinking… hmm… here’s the wind… here’s the hail… here’s the rain… uhhh… a tornado is going to appear any minute… and all the sudden, I think, hmm… I hear the faint shrill of the tornado sirens.

So, I’m like, “DAD, TURN THE TV DOWN, THE TORNADO SIRENS ARE GOING OFF!” And he’s like, “nah, they are not, it would be on the news if we were now in a warning, and besides, there’s one right next to us… it’s loud.” And once again, I’m like, “DAD, JUST LOOK OUTSIDE. THEY’RE GOING OFF. AND YOU HAVE THE TV UP SO LOUD YOU WOULDN’T BE ABLE TO HEAR IT ANYWAY.” And he STILL doesn’t believe me, at least not until the newscasters and meteorologists say, “alright, we’re going off-air and into shelter, there’s a tornado right next to us.” At which point, my dad JUMPS up, and starts FREAKING out, and is like, “RUN GUYS OMG RUN WE HAVE TO GET INTO THE STORM SHELTER OMG THE TORNADO IS COMING OMG!” like this is the first tornado warning he’s ever been in. Me being the caring, unselfish one, goes, “WAIT, we have to go get the cats so they don’t get sucked up and thrown around and die!” My dad is like, “YOU GO, YOU GO GET THE CATS! THE TORNADO IS COMING! YOU AND WILL GO FIND ALL FOUR OF THEM AND BRING THEM DOWN! GO!”

Hahahaha. We found the cats and didn’t die. In fact, contrary to my memory, apparently the May 4th tornado warning wasn’t even the one that spawned the tornado that destroyed part of Lawrence… it was the May 8th one that did. Both our junior high and the montessori school got ripped apart (for the third time in like, three years… someone hates education!), as well as some houses and the apartment complex that seems to be a magnet for natural disasters. (It’s been hit a few times by tornadoes as well as burned down by being struck by lightning.) I don’t remember the May 8th one being that big of a deal, even though it should’ve been since that one got closer to our house than the May 4th one… I only for certain remember the May 4th one because of my dad missing the sirens and almost killing us and because May 4th, 2003 was my friend’s 12th birthday.

Here’s some snazzy pictures from our newspaper from the May 8th tornado…

(the tornado about to touch down next to our junior high)

(the magnet apartments, plus some homes)

(our governor at the time, now US Secretary of Health and Human Services, Kathleen Sebelius, in front of the apartment complex)

Prayers to the Tennesseans as they battle this flooding. We’re lucky in that most of our flooding only affects downtown Lawrence (where our old house in 1998 was) and don’t have to worry too much about the majority of our businesses having to shut down for months on end. Kansans are pros at dealing with tornadoes and all the cleaning up after… but I doubt dealing with being underwater was on anyone’s radar in Tennessee.

I know, that as an eighth-grader, you feel like a rockstar each time the eighteen-year-old college freshman texts you. I know the stories he’s told you to suck you in, how his mom is so sick and how he’s carrying the burden of the world on his shoulders. I know he talks to you about music and makes you feel like he understands you. I know you want Hillary and I to back the hell off and let you do your own thing.

But E? We love you, and we care about you. He started reeling you in when you were just thirteen, barely a teenager. We know him- I know him. He lives in my town, this small little community where there are no secrets. I know his past, his conquests, his friends, his enemies. And I can tell you right now, he’s up to no good. When my older skater sisters warned me about Jesse, to be careful, I didn’t listen. I told them to fuck off, they didn’t know what they were talking about, to just leave me alone. I stand by my decision only because I believe you have to make mistakes in order to learn. The difference between you and me, though, is that I was seventeen, out of high school. You’re still our baby, the one for whom we’d kill.

This boy, he thinks you’re cute. He tiptoed around when he was with Hillary to avoid anyone noticing that he was talking to someone as young as you. There are rumors that he has ‘pictures’ of you, and I swear on my mother’s grave, if that’s true, there won’t be anything holding me back. In case you didn’t know, those kinds of pictures are illegal in our state for anyone, for any reason, under the age of eighteen. He’s prepping you for more. I know you have a good head on your shoulders… but what about when someone you think is a friend, really cares about you, tries something? Will you say no? Do you have it in you? I never want you to have to make that choice, be in that situation, at this age.

I’m not mad at you; WE aren’t mad at you. I am furious with him, but I’m not angry with you, I promise. Yeah, I ‘had’ him first, but only for a nanosecond. Hillary’s slightly more upset, simply because she feels betrayed, but she still loves you too. Listen to me, hon- I’m going to sort this out. I will not allow him to continue talking to you, no matter how angry this makes you. If he doesn’t follow our rules, there will be consequences for him. This town doesn’t settle for assholes or pedophiles. And I will fix things between you and Hillary.

I love you, dollface. I hope this isn’t the reason we haven’t talked in a few months, because you were afraid of me. There are some things I get upset about, but in this case, I’m not upset with you in the slightest.

<3

My cousins are hilariously amazing. Not a day goes by that I don’t appreciate being so close to them, getting the chance to be a part of their family. But? The rest of the people I love are in Kansas. I left to get away from them… but was that the best idea? What about the saying, “you can run away, but you can’t ever run away from your problems”? I’ve loved the distance from the drama, the distance from the people in general. Now, though, I’m having a hard time figuring out if I want to stay in Tulsa or move back to Kansas.

There are some pressing issues in my life that would pretty much need me to move back. I honestly think that’s the best course of action for my current situation. I’d love to elaborate, but others deserve to know before the rest of the Internet. The deal is, I’d come back here, finish my vet tech degree by Fall 2011/Spring 2012, and when my parents move… maybe I will, too. At that point, both Will and Amy will be off to college somewhere. I don’t know where I’d go yet (obviously.) Or even if I will.

The only, ONLY thing that is REALLY holding me back from moving to Kansas again is leaving my cousins. This is going to crush all of them, not to mention me!! I wish, so badly, that they would move up a state, instead of just moving to a new house in Tulsa. I love being close to them. I love being Amy and Erin’s sounding board, their rock, their big sister. I love how Logan knows me, can say my name. I love playing football with Jason and mercilessly teasing him about his girlfriends. I love fighting over the TV remote with Kelsi and eating late-night bagels with Sarah.

And now, writing that paragraph… now… now, I’m even less certain than I was earlier.

I’m conflicted, confused, and I don’t even really know what about.

Here in Tulsa, I’m legitimately happy; I can’t deny that. As a whole person, I am pretty thrilled with being alive, for the first time since I was a kid.

Yet, I have these down moments where I miss Kansas. I figure that’s pretty normal, since it’s home at all, but I can’t wrap my head around WHY I would miss it. I LOATHED being there. I hated listening to my friends rattle on about stupid college-kid things. And like I said before, most of the time, I’m so glad I left. But these flashes… they’re really throwing me off.

Maybe they’re increasing due to my recent feelings of anxiousness and stress. I’m in a very scary financial bind right now, which I shouldn’t complain too much about given that I have a roof over my head, gas in my car, and a little money in savings. There are worse-off people than me. But I’ve never been in this situation, where I’m 98% sure I won’t make it to the end of this month without transferring money out of my savings account. Most of this month’s money went to paying two places full rent, a third place half rent, vet bills, Izzie’s upcoming boarding while we’re on Spring Break… and honestly, that’s about it. But those are HUGE expenses, all at once, that I was only slightly prepared for. And I moved (hence one of the rent checks)… and I don’t have a bed. So that kind of sucks.

I really want to slap myself for complaining this much. I’m such a privileged American, so what if I have one tough month? Other people have entire tough LIVES. Like I said before, I have a nice safe house, a room, my own bathroom, a reliable car, a healthy dog, MY health, close relatives, a good life. I guess I’m just not accustomed to the “real world”, and being flung into it is rough. I don’t even pay for things like my cell phone bill, car maintenance, some of the vet bills… my parents still give me a lot of money, which I am ever grateful for. That’s why I won’t go to them begging for more money to buy a bed. They already provide me with so much. Sleeping on the floor for a few months isn’t going to kill me.

I got off-track. I guess I’m not so much confused as I am having trouble separating my thoughts. Everything is jumbled in one big pile in my head, and I’ve never been good at taking time to just sit and think. Something to work on, I suppose.

<3

Good old Lawrence has a $5.5 million shortfall. Our district has 1 early education center (PK), 15 elementary schools (K-6), 4 junior high schools (7-9), 2 high schools (10-12), a virtual school (K-8), and an adult education center. A few years back, they closed a few elementary schools and our alternative high school (both horrendous ideas for multiple reasons.) There are currently around 10,000 students. Our city is a community; this is not a place where you can live anonymously.

The school board seems to have only one solution. They SAY they’re trying to find alternatives, but actions speak louder than words. What do they want to do? Close more elementary schools. Close MORE. The last elementary school I attended was the newest, still is the newest, and when I graduated, we had less than 200 kids. They have over 500 now!! We need another school out here, NOT close some and have more kids shoved into this school! And it’s like that all across town- all the schools are at capacity. Some are much smaller than others, but they are at capacity. Closing elementary schools is going to increase class sizes to over 30 kids. I don’t know who came up with this genius idea, but that automatically means lower test scores, less attention, more teacher anxiety. (Oh, not to mention our teachers are the lowest paid in the ENTIRE STATE.) (The school board also has been talking about moving the 9th graders to high school. Whole other story. The high schools are maxed out too… THERE IS NO ROOM FOR 9TH GRADERS.)

Mmm… and should I mention we spent god knows how many millions on two new stadiums for the high schools last year? THAT WE DIDN’T NEED? And how the administration building is the nicest building in the entire district? And how there’s plenty of room for the administration to share an old elementary school building with the virtual school? And how we pay our admin more than our teachers? And how we HAVE more admin than we need?

I honestly don’t know how the fuck this school board was elected. I have yet to meet anyone in this entire city who thinks closing schools is a good idea. I don’t know if there’s a hidden agenda, I don’t know if the city officials are in on this, but education is supposed to come FIRST. Yet, why is it the first cut? (And not just in Kansas, everywhere!) Politicians say we need to improve education, help our children, but no one is doing anything besides take money away.

We live in a very sad, pathetic country.