Okay, yeah, it’s 10:30pm and now I’m feeling it. I almost went back to sleep after my car was finished and skipped class, but I DIDN’T! I went, and not only that, I went 40 minutes early and treated myself to coffee (plus the Panera bagel I ate before I left town.) My professor is really interesting, and he brings up a lot of points that many other Psych professors don’t (like the fact that Psychology is the only science field that needs to hike up their actual scientific research, not just make shit up.) We went through research methods, which generally makes me fall asleep since I don’t know HOW many classes I’ve taken throughout my school career that go over that. He had a bunch of hilarious anecdotes to go along with the lecture, and my eyelids definitely didn’t even come close to shutting.

So I get out of class and am dreading nannying. These girls are a handful, and that would be an understatement. I was their fall semester nanny; I eventually had to actually write out rules, privileges, and consequences for them- they were that out of hand. (At ages ten and eleven!) Then when I left in the spring, they got a different nanny, who apparently didn’t do anything. They’re back to their old ways of being absolutely uncontrollable and ridiculously embarrassing in public, most of the time. Unfortunately, I’m only watching them a total of three weeks this summer, and not consecutively, so it’ll be hard to “retrain” them. ANYWAY- back to today. Blah blah blah, I get to their house and I’m starving, so I run back across the street to Einstein Bros. Pretty much as soon as I walk back in the door, my phone rings, and it’s Emma, whom I’m also supposed to be nannying this week. She needs to go to Target, and luckily for me, Mari and her friend Mia wanted to buy Cheetos… so I drag the two of them, plus Allie, out to pick up Emma. She gets in the car all WTF? cause apparently I forgot to tell her I’m also watching them. We go to Target, don’t get kicked out (success), then go to Panera. Now, these kids are all POLAR OPPOSITES from each other. Like, you could not have four different kids in the same car. And at Panera? They all talked and giggled like they had been friends forever! I had to take Emma home after that to get her to a birthday party, but then I dragged the other three to their little town pool. We hung out there for a good three hours in the beautiful, hot weather; the girls ran into a million friends and left me to my book. YEA!

An hour drive home, and I had enough time to stop by my house and get some food/talk to my mother. She was in a good mood (win), she made me grilled cheese (double win), and I found out both me and baby can stay on her insurance for awhile (triple win.) Ran off to babysit Jack and Charlie after that… which is where I am sitting now, on their couch. Charlie and I played with trains for for-ev-er, he beat me in matching, we made words in the bath, ate Bomb Pops, and shot each other (and his brother) with Nerf guns. I am SO their favorite babysitter.

Isn’t it ironic how your most dreaded day can turn out to be great, even when you’ve barely had any sleep?

I was lying in bed last night, reminiscing about the day I began this blog. Over two years ago, I felt like I had something to say to the world. I needed an outlet, and not just one only I could see. Looking back over my old posts (that are now unavailable to the rest of you), I feel like Tori. I’ve grown more than I ever thought I could; it never crossed my mind that maybe I was still too young to really grasp a lot of things. Back in 2008, I ran around getting into trouble and had fun doing it. I didn’t have to worry about money. I didn’t have to worry about my parents kicking me out. I wasn’t in school for awhile. I did a whole lot of nothing and wasted a whole lot of time. And I’d be totally lying if I said I regret it, because I don’t- I HAD FUN. I miss it every day.

The next year kind of sucked. No, sorry, it sucked bad. I was used to running my life on my own time, without a schedule, when all the sudden I was flung back into the real world with college. My friends got busy with school again, and I was on my own. There were higher expectations set for me, ones that I didn’t want to reach. That all sounds so bad, but it happens with a crazy number of college students. We’re pushed and shoved into classes right away, when a lot of us aren’t ready. Some people shouldn’t even be in college in the first place, but society now tells us it’s the thing to do… so we go. And waste money. And party. And do nothing. And fail.

While 2008 had its defining moments most definitely, 2009 was much more mentally/emotionally grueling for me. I think I fought growing up at first- I wanted all the freedom and none of the responsibility (who doesn’t?) Of course, life doesn’t work that way. I had many struggles along 2009, more than I can even remember in one sitting. I’m still kind of amazed I made it out alive.

Now, it’s halfway through 2010. My life will change drastically at the end of this year. I’ve been halfway grown up so far, I think, but by 2011, I can’t ever go back (not that I really could anyway… you can’t ever really go back.) At this point, I don’t know what’s going to happen to my blog. I can’t see the future. It may be forgotten about, even more so than it already is. It’s always been important to me that I have some sort of way to see what I thought in the past, whether it be through journals or private blogs or this public one. But I can tell you now, I’m not going to have an ounce of free time for a long while. I may eventually be left with half a decade of no clear thoughts.

Time is a funny thing. We try to hurry it along, to pass it, but why? As kids, most of us dream about being grown up and being able to do as we please. But then we get here, get thrown in the face with a million responsibilities, and we want to go back. We can’t ever figure out how to live in the moment. Maybe that should be the goal.

On May 4th, 2003, the sky shot from gray and blah to green and eerie in a matter of minutes (that kind of change you only see in the Midwest.) My mom was at work; Will, Dad, and I had just been lying around the house, being lazy. We knew we were under a tornado watch, as we had been for the past few days. Once we noticed the sudden change in the sky, we headed down to our walkout basement (the storm shelter was in the back, away from the backyard/walkout part.) My dad flipped on the TV, as that’s always been his main method of news-gathering… at least, ever since TVs became popular and we stopped relying on the weather radio with the creepy jazz music. (Sometime after our entire basement flooded up to the first floor in 1998, WHILE WE WERE UNDER A TORNADO WARNING. Yeah, we had to choose between drowning and being sucked up by a tornado.) So, my dad, being my dad, has the TV on SO FUCKING LOUD that Will and I can barely hear ourselves talk. We’re still in the walkout part of the basement at this point, right next to the floor-to-ceiling windows, because it’s just a watch, not a warning. I’m still staring at the sky thinking… hmm… here’s the wind… here’s the hail… here’s the rain… uhhh… a tornado is going to appear any minute… and all the sudden, I think, hmm… I hear the faint shrill of the tornado sirens.

So, I’m like, “DAD, TURN THE TV DOWN, THE TORNADO SIRENS ARE GOING OFF!” And he’s like, “nah, they are not, it would be on the news if we were now in a warning, and besides, there’s one right next to us… it’s loud.” And once again, I’m like, “DAD, JUST LOOK OUTSIDE. THEY’RE GOING OFF. AND YOU HAVE THE TV UP SO LOUD YOU WOULDN’T BE ABLE TO HEAR IT ANYWAY.” And he STILL doesn’t believe me, at least not until the newscasters and meteorologists say, “alright, we’re going off-air and into shelter, there’s a tornado right next to us.” At which point, my dad JUMPS up, and starts FREAKING out, and is like, “RUN GUYS OMG RUN WE HAVE TO GET INTO THE STORM SHELTER OMG THE TORNADO IS COMING OMG!” like this is the first tornado warning he’s ever been in. Me being the caring, unselfish one, goes, “WAIT, we have to go get the cats so they don’t get sucked up and thrown around and die!” My dad is like, “YOU GO, YOU GO GET THE CATS! THE TORNADO IS COMING! YOU AND WILL GO FIND ALL FOUR OF THEM AND BRING THEM DOWN! GO!”

Hahahaha. We found the cats and didn’t die. In fact, contrary to my memory, apparently the May 4th tornado warning wasn’t even the one that spawned the tornado that destroyed part of Lawrence… it was the May 8th one that did. Both our junior high and the montessori school got ripped apart (for the third time in like, three years… someone hates education!), as well as some houses and the apartment complex that seems to be a magnet for natural disasters. (It’s been hit a few times by tornadoes as well as burned down by being struck by lightning.) I don’t remember the May 8th one being that big of a deal, even though it should’ve been since that one got closer to our house than the May 4th one… I only for certain remember the May 4th one because of my dad missing the sirens and almost killing us and because May 4th, 2003 was my friend’s 12th birthday.

Here’s some snazzy pictures from our newspaper from the May 8th tornado…

(the tornado about to touch down next to our junior high)

(the magnet apartments, plus some homes)

(our governor at the time, now US Secretary of Health and Human Services, Kathleen Sebelius, in front of the apartment complex)

Prayers to the Tennesseans as they battle this flooding. We’re lucky in that most of our flooding only affects downtown Lawrence (where our old house in 1998 was) and don’t have to worry too much about the majority of our businesses having to shut down for months on end. Kansans are pros at dealing with tornadoes and all the cleaning up after… but I doubt dealing with being underwater was on anyone’s radar in Tennessee.

My cousins are hilariously amazing. Not a day goes by that I don’t appreciate being so close to them, getting the chance to be a part of their family. But? The rest of the people I love are in Kansas. I left to get away from them… but was that the best idea? What about the saying, “you can run away, but you can’t ever run away from your problems”? I’ve loved the distance from the drama, the distance from the people in general. Now, though, I’m having a hard time figuring out if I want to stay in Tulsa or move back to Kansas.

There are some pressing issues in my life that would pretty much need me to move back. I honestly think that’s the best course of action for my current situation. I’d love to elaborate, but others deserve to know before the rest of the Internet. The deal is, I’d come back here, finish my vet tech degree by Fall 2011/Spring 2012, and when my parents move… maybe I will, too. At that point, both Will and Amy will be off to college somewhere. I don’t know where I’d go yet (obviously.) Or even if I will.

The only, ONLY thing that is REALLY holding me back from moving to Kansas again is leaving my cousins. This is going to crush all of them, not to mention me!! I wish, so badly, that they would move up a state, instead of just moving to a new house in Tulsa. I love being close to them. I love being Amy and Erin’s sounding board, their rock, their big sister. I love how Logan knows me, can say my name. I love playing football with Jason and mercilessly teasing him about his girlfriends. I love fighting over the TV remote with Kelsi and eating late-night bagels with Sarah.

And now, writing that paragraph… now… now, I’m even less certain than I was earlier.

I’m conflicted, confused, and I don’t even really know what about.

Here in Tulsa, I’m legitimately happy; I can’t deny that. As a whole person, I am pretty thrilled with being alive, for the first time since I was a kid.

Yet, I have these down moments where I miss Kansas. I figure that’s pretty normal, since it’s home at all, but I can’t wrap my head around WHY I would miss it. I LOATHED being there. I hated listening to my friends rattle on about stupid college-kid things. And like I said before, most of the time, I’m so glad I left. But these flashes… they’re really throwing me off.

Maybe they’re increasing due to my recent feelings of anxiousness and stress. I’m in a very scary financial bind right now, which I shouldn’t complain too much about given that I have a roof over my head, gas in my car, and a little money in savings. There are worse-off people than me. But I’ve never been in this situation, where I’m 98% sure I won’t make it to the end of this month without transferring money out of my savings account. Most of this month’s money went to paying two places full rent, a third place half rent, vet bills, Izzie’s upcoming boarding while we’re on Spring Break… and honestly, that’s about it. But those are HUGE expenses, all at once, that I was only slightly prepared for. And I moved (hence one of the rent checks)… and I don’t have a bed. So that kind of sucks.

I really want to slap myself for complaining this much. I’m such a privileged American, so what if I have one tough month? Other people have entire tough LIVES. Like I said before, I have a nice safe house, a room, my own bathroom, a reliable car, a healthy dog, MY health, close relatives, a good life. I guess I’m just not accustomed to the “real world”, and being flung into it is rough. I don’t even pay for things like my cell phone bill, car maintenance, some of the vet bills… my parents still give me a lot of money, which I am ever grateful for. That’s why I won’t go to them begging for more money to buy a bed. They already provide me with so much. Sleeping on the floor for a few months isn’t going to kill me.

I got off-track. I guess I’m not so much confused as I am having trouble separating my thoughts. Everything is jumbled in one big pile in my head, and I’ve never been good at taking time to just sit and think. Something to work on, I suppose.

<3

Everything was horrible, awful, last week, especially with the demise of my MFH dreams (and the death of my dog, of course.) It’s a damn good thing I’m on that Zoloft, I tell you what. I would have taken muchhhh longer to comprehend and get over it all if I hadn’t been.

I’m employed now as a waitress by the restaurant at which my relatives work, a cashier at Walmart, and a computer sales rep at Best Buy. You know what’s bullshit? Drug tests. I mean, okay, I see the point, but I’ve never done drugs EVER, so WTF, I don’t want to be treated like everyone else!!!!! I think they’re a pre-employment Oklahoma state law though. Anyway, for the Walmart one, the lab was in an urgent care facility, HELL in February. I waited two hours. TWO HOURS. TO PEE IN A FUCKING CUP. Then, the Best Buy one this morning, I didn’t pee enough the first time. (In my defense, the nurse wanted a damn GALLON, or close to that.) So I had to wait an hour to try again. Which made me have to reschedule my Walmart orientation. It’s tough holding down three jobs, I tell ya.

I finished my Precalc class, well, almost. I’ve completed all the work, the midterm (obviously), and now all that’s left for me to do is the final exam. I’d have to jump through hoops to take it down here, so I’m just waiting to schedule it when I’m at home next. I have until April 1st, so that shouldn’t be a problem.

This little brat lying in my lap right now is Isabella Nicole, Izzie for short. Born December 15, 2009, Izzie is a Westie (West Highland White Terrier), and a TERROR. That’s right. They don’t call ‘em terriers for nothing. Where Arabella was relatively chill, Izzie is HYPERHYPERHYPERPLAYPLAYPLAY. It’s exhausting, and she pees on my floor. Someone pleaaaaase remind me to adopt an adult dog next time, alright? I’m 99.9% sure I also said that when I first got Bella.

All that’s left is for the weather to get warmer so I can stop shivering when I get into my car. And for the construction on 75 and I-44 to be finished. A Braum’s out here in the ‘burbs would be nice, too. (My new obsession. Braum’s has the MOST AMAZING milkshakes, EVER. I’ve had at least one every day for the past week.) (Shut up, it’s calcium!)

<3 xox

I’ve been here in Tulsa for a week now, a spontaneous decision to up and leave Kansas just like that. (Seriously. The idea popped up on Thursday, and I was gone by Wednesday.) I could not deal with my friends, my family, school, LAWRENCE any longer, and I knew if I stayed, I would be miserable. I’m always preaching to “quit complaining and change it if you don’t like it!” so I took my own advice.

As a general rule, Tulsa isn’t the safest place in the world. Half of the city is dangerous (North and West), with little gang neighborhoods near the river now too. My cousins are on the edge of the ghetto… they’re trying to move due to that and the fact that they have eight people in a three-bedroom house. I don’t want to be worrying about my safety when I try to sleep every night, so I moved to a tiny little SAFE suburb, southwest of the city. I’m only about 15-20 minutes from my cousins’ house, the brand new police/fire station is literally across the street from my neighborhood, Arby’s/McD’s/Sonic are all in one line down the road, Walmart/Target/Best Buy/PetSmart/more are 5-10 minutes away, the public library is less than half a mile away, and the public pool (which are VERY rare in Tulsa) is less than a mile from here.

When I was driving down here on the nice two-lane BORING highway, I was worried I’d be super homesick. When I had my Overland Park (KC) apartment, I spent most of my time back at home in Lawrence because I liked having my mom around. I was afraid of being so far from her and afraid of being so far from my friends. But as it turns out, I basically only have one friend in Lawrence (love you Len), and I haven’t been homesick AT ALL. AT ALL! I LOVE being here. I don’t necessarily adore Tulsa, but I LOVE being away from Lawrence/KC. I’m so incredibly happy with my decision… it was definitely the right one.

<3

I’m SO RELIEVED. Obviously, I had no idea the depression was this bad; otherwise, I would have gotten help long, long ago. Apparently, it’s kind of amazing I’ve survived without serious acts of rebellion or an eating disorder or something. I haven’t had a stable life, what with moving and switching schools and parents being AWOL and all. I focused on music, skating, volunteering, working, etc to keep from going crazy. And it worked- but I still had these cycles of unhappiness to depression and back and forth. I used to be able to pull myself out of the depression part alone, now though I guess my neurotransmitters are whacked out (hence the Zoloft.)

Life is looking up. I hope to pull my grades back up this semester; it’ll take a lot of work to actually fix my GPA, but that’s not my huge concern. I just want to get the grades I know I’m capable of getting and prove something to myself. I also opened a second savings account at the bank last month to begin my moving fund. The current plan is to leave in August for coastal North Carolina, where I’ll probably get a job and finish another semester or two at community college to build my GPA back up. After that… well, I’ll have to transfer to a 4-year university, and I haven’t really decided where; there aren’t any within a 2 hour radius of where I hope to live. I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it. Till then, here’s to keep on keeping on… hopefully happily.

Favorite Song: I have too many songs I love to pick just one.
I will say, though, that I started buying CDs again this year. Only the ones I HAVE to have, since I already buy the iTunes version. There’s just something about holding the real CD, with the real case and the real artwork that iTunes just can’t duplicate.

Favorite Lyric: “I’ve never seen a smile that can light the room like yours, it’s simply radiant, I feel more with every day that goes by”
I played this song SO. MANY. TIMES. Everything about it reminds me of MFH. And that line is always the part I fastforward to.

Favorite Line: “Good story!” (said sarcastically)
My friends now yell it after something they tell that isn’t that interesting before I can. It’s almost become like a contest… who can put down the sucky story first.

Favorite Trip: Family reunion in Old Orchard Beach, Maine.
My uncle was feeding baby Brian his bottle while Sarah and I played in the hallway next to them. My aunt asked Sarah if she could please play outside, because we were disrupting Brian from focusing on his bottle (bahahaha.) Sarah, then barely 4, looked my aunt straight in the face like she was crazy and simply said, “No.”

Favorite Moment: Twirling around on the ice blasting music with no one there except me… and Hillary.
Literally, twirling. Not spinning. Twirling. There’s a difference.

Favorite Holiday: I don’t really do holidays. But my birthday was definitely the best one I’ve had yet, thanks to my cousins who came up from Tulsa to spend it with me. I guess Halloween wasn’t bad down in Tulsa either. I was Superwoman!

Something Bad: I made a lot of stupid choices out of laziness and carelessness.
Something Good: By figuring out what’s wrong for me, I’ve figured out what’s right for me.
Something you regret: Not much. Maybe pushing certain people away.
Something you learned: Always listen to your instincts. They almost never fail you. As long as you have proven good ones. Like me.
Someone that changed your life: Soooo many. Everyone I come in contact with has some sort of impact on my life.

Go back and change something: Don’t cross the friends line.

Subtractions from your life: Friends. Boyfriends. Trixie and Sophie. Raging anger.
Additions to your life: More skating. Tons of laughter. Confidence. Arabella Jane. Overflowing love for my family.

I wrote 2009 resolutions at the beginning of the year:
Continue writing.
—> I went through most of the year documenting pretty much everything, until recently. The motivation to blog and journal has left the building.

Do my best in school.
—-> The first eight weeks or so of each semester are great; I pull in straight A’s, life is good. Then, after spring break and fall break, I’m drained and end up skipping more classes than I attend.

Those were the only two New Years Resolutions I had. Obviously I sucked at sticking with them, like most people are, but it doesn’t matter. This year wasn’t horrible… and going back and reading my 2008 journal, it was MUCH better than being 17. I don’t regret anything I did this past year. I had a bunch more ‘firsts’, I had the wind knocked out of me, I went in a million different directions. But out of every choice, every decision, every triumph, every failure, I have learned.

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