Mo Chridhe

How is it that almost a month passed since I last wrote?

I was lying in bed last night, reminiscing about the day I began this blog. Over two years ago, I felt like I had something to say to the world. I needed an outlet, and not just one only I could see. Looking back over my old posts (that are now unavailable to the rest of you), I feel like Tori. I’ve grown more than I ever thought I could; it never crossed my mind that maybe I was still too young to really grasp a lot of things. Back in 2008, I ran around getting into trouble and had fun doing it. I didn’t have to worry about money. I didn’t have to worry about my parents kicking me out. I wasn’t in school for awhile. I did a whole lot of nothing and wasted a whole lot of time. And I’d be totally lying if I said I regret it, because I don’t- I HAD FUN. I miss it every day.

The next year kind of sucked. No, sorry, it sucked bad. I was used to running my life on my own time, without a schedule, when all the sudden I was flung back into the real world with college. My friends got busy with school again, and I was on my own. There were higher expectations set for me, ones that I didn’t want to reach. That all sounds so bad, but it happens with a crazy number of college students. We’re pushed and shoved into classes right away, when a lot of us aren’t ready. Some people shouldn’t even be in college in the first place, but society now tells us it’s the thing to do… so we go. And waste money. And party. And do nothing. And fail.

While 2008 had its defining moments most definitely, 2009 was much more mentally/emotionally grueling for me. I think I fought growing up at first- I wanted all the freedom and none of the responsibility (who doesn’t?) Of course, life doesn’t work that way. I had many struggles along 2009, more than I can even remember in one sitting. I’m still kind of amazed I made it out alive.

Now, it’s halfway through 2010. My life will change drastically at the end of this year. I’ve been halfway grown up so far, I think, but by 2011, I can’t ever go back (not that I really could anyway… you can’t ever really go back.) At this point, I don’t know what’s going to happen to my blog. I can’t see the future. It may be forgotten about, even more so than it already is. It’s always been important to me that I have some sort of way to see what I thought in the past, whether it be through journals or private blogs or this public one. But I can tell you now, I’m not going to have an ounce of free time for a long while. I may eventually be left with half a decade of no clear thoughts.

Time is a funny thing. We try to hurry it along, to pass it, but why? As kids, most of us dream about being grown up and being able to do as we please. But then we get here, get thrown in the face with a million responsibilities, and we want to go back. We can’t ever figure out how to live in the moment. Maybe that should be the goal.