I think it should be duly noted that I have no idea who reads this blog. I mean, I know my best friends do, I know my blog friends do, and some of my Twitter (AND PLURK!) friends as well. But as far as the rest of the people I come into contact with on a daily basis? I honestly don’t know. Most everyone knows I have a blog, and the URL is up on my Facebook. It’s not a secret, and obviously not hard to find. I don’t have a SiteCounter or anything to track IP addresses, locations, whatever. Sure, it would probably come in handy every now and then, but I write this blog for me.
However, I censor some of what I write, as this is the internet after all. I don’t want a potential employer stumbling upon this to see a post where I bashed my ice rink in which I stated its name. I don’t use full first names of the kids I babysit, due to both their security and their privacy. I don’t wish to burn any bridges unless I’m certain they’re already gone, and I feel that certain things are better left anonymous. I’d LOVE to tell you the name of my awful ice rink that pulls all this bullshit, but I haven’t, and I won’t.
This all ties into what I’m about to say next.
I’m pretty sure everyone has heard of MFH (My Future Husband), and if you haven’t, either 1) I don’t talk to you much, 2) you don’t listen to me, or 3) I’ve purposely kept it a secret from you. Dude, I don’t want to sound all creepy and stalkerish, because I am NOT, (AND LOOKING AT PUBLIC INFORMATION FREQUENTLY DOES NOT COUNT!!!!) but I was in loooooooove!! Seriously.
Readers and privacy come up as issues now, because I don’t know how much I can reveal without possibly giving away a bazillion clues. Before my blog was hacked, I had a short, somewhat descriptive post on MFH, the day I nicknamed him ‘MFH’. I actually still have it, thanks to keeping VaZ on the WordPress.com server…
I would so LOVE to write all the details on here, but in an attempt to conceal his identity, I’ll restrain from revealing too much.
All I can say about MFH is that he’s a fairly good guy. He doesn’t let most people get too close. Little kids love him. (So do I!!!) HE IS SEXY GORGEOUS.
It is so frustrating wanting what you can’t have!!
There you go. That’s still basically all the information you’ll get.
Anyway, I’m only writing about him now because I’ve had to explain this too many times already.
I’ve tried to make myself give it up, let it go, move on, whatever, for a long time, and it has yet to work. This time, though, I’m still so angry that I think it’ll be different. I’ve hated myself for so long for being all OMGAHHHHHSOAMAZINGOMG, like I’m fucking thirteen. Let me say now that I don’t want to move on, but I have to. I cannot be involved with someone like this. I WILL NOT allow myself to be involved with someone like this! I’m better than that and I know it. (I just wish he did too.)
I have gotten SO many differing opinions on this situation. I got a lot of wonderful advice… for other people. The “ask him out already!” line is normally good, normally the route I’d take, but no one really understands why I can’t do this. IT JUST ISN’T RIGHT! Not the girls asking guys out part, but the part where the timing just isn’t right. I can FEEL the wrongness around that piece of advice for this situation.
Anyway, I guess it doesn’t matter now, because there will be no more MFH. I am removing the MFH acronym from my vocabulary, and from now on, I will refer to him by his first name.
You had your chance, and now it’s gone.
—-
Watching the time go, the second hand is moving too fast
Whoever thought that it ever really ever would last?
And if your conscience weighs a little heavy tonight
Maybe you’ll find it, maybe you’ll find
Nobody told you that nothing plays out like it seems
Twenty years now, running scared of all of your dreams
Is it everything you thought it would be?
When you come back, I’ll be alright
On your own again, back to where it all began
The phone don’t ring, and the tears they fall
But you, carry on and on and on
On your own again, back to where it all began
The phone don’t ring, and the tears they fall
But you, carry on and on and on
Past is past, you never really gave it a shot
To survive with your one last shot in the dark
And if your conscience weighs a little heavy tonight
Maybe you’ll find that
Empty boxes on the stairs
Remind you that there’s no one there
Is it everything you thought it would be?
You’ll see
When you come back, I’ll be alright
On your own again, back to where it all began
The phone don’t ring, and the tears they fall
But you, carry on and on and on
On your own again, back to where it all began
The phone don’t ring, and the tears they fall
But you, carry on and on and on
You gotta go, you’ll never know
Just how it all will turn out
Forget what’s gone
The western turn leads no doubt
On your own again, back to where it all began
The phone don’t ring, and the tears they fall
But you, carry on and on and on
On and on and on
On your own again, back to where it all began
The phone don’t ring, and the tears they fall
But you, carry on and on and on
On your own again, back to where it all began
The phone don’t ring, and the tears they fall
But you, carry on and on and on
-”On Your Own” by Green River Ordinance
