Protected: Stupid. No more apartments 2010/ever!
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Get back up again
I’m okay.
Everything was horrible, awful, last week, especially with the demise of my MFH dreams (and the death of my dog, of course.) It’s a damn good thing I’m on that Zoloft, I tell you what. I would have taken muchhhh longer to comprehend and get over it all if I hadn’t been.
I’m employed now as a waitress by the restaurant at which my relatives work, a cashier at Walmart, and a computer sales rep at Best Buy. You know what’s bullshit? Drug tests. I mean, okay, I see the point, but I’ve never done drugs EVER, so WTF, I don’t want to be treated like everyone else!!!!! I think they’re a pre-employment Oklahoma state law though. Anyway, for the Walmart one, the lab was in an urgent care facility, HELL in February. I waited two hours. TWO HOURS. TO PEE IN A FUCKING CUP. Then, the Best Buy one this morning, I didn’t pee enough the first time. (In my defense, the nurse wanted a damn GALLON, or close to that.) So I had to wait an hour to try again. Which made me have to reschedule my Walmart orientation. It’s tough holding down three jobs, I tell ya.
I finished my Precalc class, well, almost. I’ve completed all the work, the midterm (obviously), and now all that’s left for me to do is the final exam. I’d have to jump through hoops to take it down here, so I’m just waiting to schedule it when I’m at home next. I have until April 1st, so that shouldn’t be a problem.
This little brat lying in my lap right now is Isabella Nicole, Izzie for short. Born December 15, 2009, Izzie is a Westie (West Highland White Terrier), and a TERROR. That’s right. They don’t call ‘em terriers for nothing. Where Arabella was relatively chill, Izzie is HYPERHYPERHYPERPLAYPLAYPLAY. It’s exhausting, and she pees on my floor. Someone pleaaaaase remind me to adopt an adult dog next time, alright? I’m 99.9% sure I also said that when I first got Bella.
All that’s left is for the weather to get warmer so I can stop shivering when I get into my car. And for the construction on 75 and I-44 to be finished. A Braum’s out here in the ‘burbs would be nice, too. (My new obsession. Braum’s has the MOST AMAZING milkshakes, EVER. I’ve had at least one every day for the past week.) (Shut up, it’s calcium!)
<3 xox
My baby girl is gone.
I feel like my entire world has exploded. My heart has been shattered into a million pieces.
Arabella Jane Evans, my baby, my puppy, my little girl, died tonight. Around 12:15am, February 6 2010, in the car on the way to the Tulsa ER vet. Probably somewhere on I-44 between Peoria and Harvard. She took a couple deep breaths and I knew, when I was pulling her limp body out of her car carrier, that she was gone.
The ER vet tried to save her. They tried CPR. They tried a catheter. They tried. I will be forever grateful. There was just nothing they could do. She had no breath sounds, no heart rate by the time I got her in there. She was already gone.
I miss her so much. All her things are here strewn around me, right as we left them. Her bone is on the floor, half-eaten. Her two crates and dog bed sit here, with no dog to sit in them. Everything’s the same, yet nothing will ever be the same. I’ll never again hear her tags clink together on her collar as she bounces, leaps, thumps toward me in the cute way only she could do. I’ll never again be awakened by my little alarm clock, ready to eat and be let outside at exactly 7:30am. I’ll never get to see her tolerate my children yanking her tail and picking her up. I used to imagine how she would react with a screaming baby in the house… I already know how she acts around 2+ year olds (phenomenally.) She won’t be begging for food at the table, dancing on her hind legs. She won’t be chewing my headphones. She won’t be nosing her way into my lap when I’m trying to type on my laptop. I won’t get to celebrate her first birthday on Sunday with my cousins, like we had been planning.
I regret every single moment where I thought life would be easier without her. If only I hadn’t thought that, if only I hadn’t told Kelsi I didn’t believe in heaven or hell, if only I had taken her in ten minutes earlier, if only I had tried to see if there was a closer ER vet. If only if only if only.
I love you, my sweet princess. I love you so much.
Scene change
Change of plans.
I’ve been here in Tulsa for a week now, a spontaneous decision to up and leave Kansas just like that. (Seriously. The idea popped up on Thursday, and I was gone by Wednesday.) I could not deal with my friends, my family, school, LAWRENCE any longer, and I knew if I stayed, I would be miserable. I’m always preaching to “quit complaining and change it if you don’t like it!” so I took my own advice.
As a general rule, Tulsa isn’t the safest place in the world. Half of the city is dangerous (North and West), with little gang neighborhoods near the river now too. My cousins are on the edge of the ghetto… they’re trying to move due to that and the fact that they have eight people in a three-bedroom house. I don’t want to be worrying about my safety when I try to sleep every night, so I moved to a tiny little SAFE suburb, southwest of the city. I’m only about 15-20 minutes from my cousins’ house, the brand new police/fire station is literally across the street from my neighborhood, Arby’s/McD’s/Sonic are all in one line down the road, Walmart/Target/Best Buy/PetSmart/more are 5-10 minutes away, the public library is less than half a mile away, and the public pool (which are VERY rare in Tulsa) is less than a mile from here.
When I was driving down here on the nice two-lane BORING highway, I was worried I’d be super homesick. When I had my Overland Park (KC) apartment, I spent most of my time back at home in Lawrence because I liked having my mom around. I was afraid of being so far from her and afraid of being so far from my friends. But as it turns out, I basically only have one friend in Lawrence (love you Len), and I haven’t been homesick AT ALL. AT ALL! I LOVE being here. I don’t necessarily adore Tulsa, but I LOVE being away from Lawrence/KC. I’m so incredibly happy with my decision… it was definitely the right one.
<3
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On the horizon
I finally sought professional help for what’s been going through my mind lately. Turns out, I’m suffering from severe major depression (without psychosis), the severe part since last summer and the major depression part since middle school. I have continuous appointments with both the PhD psychologist and the nurse practitioner, the latter of which put me on Zoloft today.
I’m SO RELIEVED. Obviously, I had no idea the depression was this bad; otherwise, I would have gotten help long, long ago. Apparently, it’s kind of amazing I’ve survived without serious acts of rebellion or an eating disorder or something. I haven’t had a stable life, what with moving and switching schools and parents being AWOL and all. I focused on music, skating, volunteering, working, etc to keep from going crazy. And it worked- but I still had these cycles of unhappiness to depression and back and forth. I used to be able to pull myself out of the depression part alone, now though I guess my neurotransmitters are whacked out (hence the Zoloft.)
Life is looking up. I hope to pull my grades back up this semester; it’ll take a lot of work to actually fix my GPA, but that’s not my huge concern. I just want to get the grades I know I’m capable of getting and prove something to myself. I also opened a second savings account at the bank last month to begin my moving fund. The current plan is to leave in August for coastal North Carolina, where I’ll probably get a job and finish another semester or two at community college to build my GPA back up. After that… well, I’ll have to transfer to a 4-year university, and I haven’t really decided where; there aren’t any within a 2 hour radius of where I hope to live. I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it. Till then, here’s to keep on keeping on… hopefully happily.
